How the hell do you start a relationship with somebody?
It just seems like relationships come so easily for other people. I want to be able to trust again, but I'm a little scared to put myself out there fully.
"I get so frustrated when I see my friends easily finding relationships, while I'm over here struggling to even connect with anyone. It's hard not to feel like I'm just destined to be alone, especially when all my friends are happily coupled up and I'm the odd one out. Going out with them and listening to them talk about their dating lives is the worst. And at night, all I want is someone to hold me instead of just hugging my lonely pillow. It's so disheartening to feel like no guys are ever interested in me.”
I know these feelings can be really overwhelming, but try not to lose hope. Starting a new relationship is both exciting and scary - it's normal to feel vulnerable when you're putting yourself out there. But when you do find the right person, that connection can be amazing.
I really hope this helps you find your true love, while also protecting yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically.
How do you know when you’re “ready” to date?
Before jumping into a new relationship, it's important to take a step back and ask yourself a few key questions.
First, are you truly ready to commit the necessary time and effort into making a relationship work? It's easy to idealise a new partner, but relationships take real investment.
Another important factor is whether you've resolved any lingering issues or entanglements from past relationships. Carrying that baggage into a new situation is unfair to both you and your prospective partner. Take the time for some honest self-reflection - what were the flaws or problems in your previous relationships, and how can you avoid repeating those patterns?
It's also crucial to have a clear idea of the kind of relationship you actually want. Are you looking for something casual and fun, or a serious, long-term commitment? Don't just hope that the "right" person will come along and fulfil your needs - know what those needs are first.
“Remember, healthy relationships are built, not just found. Focus on creating the kind of life you want to share with a partner, rather than looking for a relationship to complete you. An "addition" to your already-fulfilling existence is far more sustainable than a relationship that has to carry the weight of your entire identity and happiness.” - Everly
And perhaps most importantly, only pursue a new relationship when you feel genuinely ready. Don't let fear or desperation push you into something you're not prepared for. Cherish the vulnerability of opening your heart, and wait until you can do so from a place of strength and self-assurance.
5 ways to nurture a new relationship
Wondering how to give yourself the best shot at dating success? Here are 5 great ways to prepare yourself before getting out there
1. Let them know your expectations
You’ve been on a real roll with this person - the dates have been cracking, you've been opening up and sharing all sorts about your life, and there's just this undeniable physical and emotional connection between you. But one thing a lot of people tend to forget about in all that is voicing your relationship expectations from the get-go.
You worry the other person might think you're being too clingy or demanding. But the truth is, there are ways you can express what you're after that don't come across as rigid or inflexible at all.
Something like, "Once I know I'm properly into a guy, I'll just focus on seeing him. What about you though?" That gives you a sense of where they're at without laying it on too thick.
The whole point isn't to have a go at anyone, it's just to make sure you and this potential partner are truly on the same page. It's so much better to have that conversation upfront rather than making assumptions and then finding out later they're still snogging other people on holiday while calling you every day. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same level of commitment that you do.
2. Take it slow
When starting a new relationship, it's important not to rush into intimacy too quickly. As experts have discovered
It typically takes around 90 hours to develop a casual friendship with someone, and 200 hours to become true best friends. Relationships need time to grow and deepen.
It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new romance, especially after an amazing date filled with conversation, laughter, and connection. However, your strong feelings at the moment can make you overlook the fact that you simply haven't spent enough time together to build a solid emotional bond yet.
Remember, jumping into bed too soon will rarely lead to a lasting, healthy relationship. You and your partner need time to gradually develop an emotional intimacy before taking things to a physical level. If your partner is pressuring you for intimacy sooner than you're comfortable with, that's a red flag indicating a lack of respect for your pace and boundaries.
A helpful tip from relationship experts is to spend the first six dates focused on getting to know each other and cultivating a non-physical connection. This slower, more gradual approach gives you the time and space to establish a strong foundation for a potentially fulfilling long-term relationship.
3. Give them some space
Yeah, I get it - you're head over heels for them. You want to text them all day, flooding their inbox. You don't want to hold back.
Of course, I'm not saying you shouldn't text at all, but too much too soon can smother that growing flame, like water on a fire. It's hard, but try to rein in that temptation a little.
And be a bit wary if they're constantly messaging you. But if they suddenly stop texting you altogether, that's suspicious too.
The healthiest approach is to pace out the text messages and dates. That gives the romance room to grow naturally.
4. Don't treat them as if they were a therapist.
When you're getting to know someone new, it can be tempting to open up and share a lot of personal details right away. This is especially true if you've just come out of a previous relationship. You might feel inclined to discuss the ins and outs of that past relationship, especially if they ask why you're single.
However, I would caution against that. It's generally best not to date too quickly after a breakup. Take the time to make sure you've fully moved on from your ex, especially if you're hoping for a long-term, serious relationship with this new person.
Instead, use the first several dates as an opportunity to share about yourself in broader, more general terms. Talk about your work, your passions, your hobbies - the happy, positive aspects of your life. Save the deeper, more personal or traumatic stuff for later, when you've had a chance to really get to know each other and feel safe and secure in the relationship. The early dates should be about having fun and letting your new partner see the best of you.
5. Keep doing what you love
The way someone is attracted to you is because you have a rich life of your own, outside of them. So keep up with your yoga class, and continue attending that language exchange. Don't sacrifice your interests and identity just to focus on that person. Don't neglect the things that make you, well, you.
5 tips for every new couple
Building a healthy, lasting relationship takes work. Here are 5 tips to help get your new relationship off on the right foot
1. Have realistic expectations
Start by setting clear standards right from the outset. You can't expect someone to be absolutely perfect if you're sitting at home all day. Communicate what you need from a partner, and be understanding of their flaws. But don't settle for less either. Make your own checklist of what you're looking for, and envision the kind of person you want to date. That way, you won't just go with the flow and end up with unrealistic expectations.
2. Set clear boundaries
Make sure to communicate your boundaries clearly to the other person. Let them know what your expectations are for the relationship and where you draw the line. Discuss things like how far you're willing to take the relationship and what your dealbreakers are. Getting on the same page about this stuff early on can help avoid conflicts down the line.
3. Be attentive & observant
It's so nice when someone notices those little details about you. It makes you feel really seen and appreciated. It shows they're paying close attention and genuinely care about getting to know you better. Those small gestures can be incredibly meaningful, reminding you that the other person is invested in connecting with the real you.
4. Stop comparing
A lot of couples make this mistake. “Why don't you try it like the other couples do? The other couples seem to do this, so why don't we give it a shot?” It just makes them feel a bit insecure and lowers their confidence in the relationship.
Instead of comparing you to others, you could simply voice what you'd like them to try. Something like, 'I think it would be good if we did this...'"
5. Practice active listening
Listening is one of the most underestimated skills. But it's so important. Sometimes when people open up to you about their problems, you end up just talking about yourself. That can really make them feel unheard.
If you can't offer a solution, that's okay. Just being there and saying 'I'm always here for you' can mean so much.
Final thoughts
Being in a new relationship can be both exciting and nerve-wracking. You and your partner are still getting to know each other, trying to figure out if this is something you both want to invest more time and energy into.
It's important to give your partner a bit of space during this initial phase. Avoid the temptation to text or contact them constantly, as that can feel smothering. Let things unfold naturally and allow your partner the room to open up to you at their own pace.
The frequency of communication in a new relationship can vary quite a bit between couples. There's no universal rule, but a good guideline is to provide a moderate amount of your time and attention. This helps you both settle into the relationship comfortably, without feeling overwhelmed or distant from one another.
The key is finding the right balance - giving your partner space to breathe, while also making it clear you're interested and available. With some patience and understanding, the relationship can grow at a pace that feels natural and comfortable for both of you.
Starting a new relationship can be exciting but also a little nerve-wracking. Hopefully, these suggestions will help put you more at ease as you navigate the early stages together.