Is poor communication destroying your relationship?
It's not what you fight about. It's about what you fight for.
It's Friday night and I'm just knackered after a long, tiring day. I couldn't find a steady job for a few months, so I had to move back in with my parents. And of course, they were at each other's throats as usual, constantly bickering and complaining about something. It's just putting me on edge, everything seems to be setting me off right now. I reached out to my boyfriend at that time, hoping he could give me a bit of comfort, but that just led to another big fight between us.
I was sitting there in the room, absolutely fuming. "I can't believe you're doing this to me again?" he said, all tense and angry. "I don't know, I'm just so unhappy with our relationship right now." We were both so on edge and irritable. We have such a hard time talking about even the smallest issues without it turning into a huge blowup. No matter how minor the topic, we get completely worked up and it escalates into a full-blown argument every single time.
I used to love those romantic films, but they really do romanticise fighting in relationships, don't they? You know the trope - the couple has this big dramatic fight, but then they start passionately kissing and making love, and it's like the argument never even happened. The yelling and conflict just disappear. But in reality, fighting is just so draining and emotionally exhausting. It's definitely not a sign of passion, it's a sign of an unhealthy dynamic.
If you're dealing with anything similar, I want to give you a big old hug. Let's see if we can figure out how to work through this together.
“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional” - Max Lucado
So, what does healthy communication look like between couples?
Healthy communication in a relationship means I feel comfortable and positive when talking with my partner. That doesn't imply we never disagree - we each have our own opinions. But they listen to me and share their perspective without criticising me or making me feel small.
For example, when they're speaking, they'll maintain eye contact and use body language to convey their thoughts. And they'll ask me questions, rather than just waiting for their turn to talk. And when I'm the listener, I'm open to fully hearing them out, without interrupting or already planning my response.
Overall, healthy communication in a relationship involves comfort, respect, attentive listening, and a back-and-forth exchange of ideas. It creates an environment where both partners feel heard and able to openly express themselves.
The Importance of Healthy Communication
Communication is essential in any relationship - it can really make or break things. The way you and your partner talk to each other is a good predictor of whether the relationship will go the distance and keep that spark alive.
The communication style you both have will influence how you handle conflicts that come up. If you've learned to communicate in a healthy, constructive way, even when you're arguing, it can actually help you resolve issues and strengthen your bond.
In fact, I'd recommend taking a communication style assessment. I did one myself and realised I tend to be on the more passive side. That explained why I used to just bottle things up instead of speaking up. And let me tell you, when you have one partner who's passive and the other is more aggressive, it can create a really unbalanced, controlling dynamic.
So understanding your own communication habits, and your partner's is so valuable. It gives you the self-awareness to improve how you talk to each other. And that can make a huge difference in the health and longevity of your relationship.
Healthy Communication Tips for Conflicts
Next time, when you’re dealing with conflicts, let’s remember these.
One thing at a time
I know it can be tempting to bring up past issues when you're dealing with a current problem in the relationship. You’re thinking something like "He hasn't texted me today, and last week he was late for our date. I'm so angry, let's make him hurt too."
But that's really not the healthiest way to approach it. Bringing up a bunch of old grievances just makes the whole conversation feel really heavy and confused.
Next time, try to stay focused on the present issue at hand. Don't drag in a bunch of past stuff. Just talk about how you're feeling right now in a respectful way, and work together to find a solution.
And if you're feeling really mad, it can help to take a quick 5-10 minute break. Just take some deep breaths and let yourself calm down a bit before continuing the conversation. That way you can keep things constructive.
The key is to address the current issue directly, without letting old problems muddy the waters. Stick to the present, express yourself clearly, and work as partners to resolve things.
Listen carefully
Listening is one of the underestimated skills. A lot of the people I've met are always just trying to think about what they should say next, without even really listening to the other person. Like, yesterday I was hanging out with a friend, and my whole mood was just so down because I felt like he wasn't even listening to me at all.
I told him, 'I've been really interested in psychology lately, and it's been helping me understand my past dating experiences and figure out how to not get caught up chasing butterflies, you know?' And he just responded, 'Hmm, why are you being so negative?' That made me feel like he was criticising my feelings and just totally invalidating everything I was saying.
So I tried to explain it to him again, 'I'm just feeling really frustrated because it feels like you're invalidating my feelings here.' And then he was like, 'Oh well, you know how it is, I'm a bloke, I'm not very emotionally intelligent.' Ugh, I don't even want to see that friend again, to be honest. If he had just responded differently, like 'That's interesting, I didn't know you were into psychology. But I can see how talking about past trauma might come across as a bit negative sometimes,' it could have gone so much better.
It's so important to really listen to your partner. Don't interrupt, don't get all defensive. Just hear them out, and try to reflect back what they're saying so they know you're actually listening. That way, you can really understand where they're coming from, and they'll be more likely to listen to you too.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes
The reason these conflicts even happen in the first place is usually because someone just wants to feel heard and understood, but we often get caught up talking about our own perspective instead.
It's so easy to fall into that trap of saying things like 'Why did you do that?' or 'Well I did it because...' or 'Why don't you understand anything?' or even 'I don't even know what you mean.' But if we could just take a step back and try to really see it from their side, it can make such a difference.
Instead of getting all defensive or just jumping straight to justifying our own actions, we should be asking more questions to try to understand where they're coming from. Like, 'Help me understand how this made you feel' or 'What were you hoping would happen when I did that?' That way, they really feel heard and validated, even if you don't have all the answers right away.
Dealing with criticism
Dealing with criticism can be such a tough one, right? It's so easy to just get our back up and want to fight back when someone's giving us negative feedback. But you know, more often than not, that criticism is really coming from a place of emotion for the other person.
They might be exaggerating or coming across harsher than they mean to because they're just feeling really frustrated or hurt in the moment. We've all been there where our emotions get the better of us and we end up saying things we don't really mean.
But the best thing we can do is try to stay cool and respond with a bit of understanding. Rather than just immediately jumping to defend ourselves or shut them down, we should try to really hear them out and understand where they're coming from. Like, "I can tell this is really upsetting you, and I want to understand better. Can you help me see it from your side?”.
Show responsibility
Conflicts always seem to come up when one person's feeling dissatisfied about something. And the thing is, a lot of times, the truth is that both people have played some kind of role in creating that situation.
It can be really hard to admit when we've messed up or contributed to the problem, especially in the heat of the moment. Our natural instinct is just to get defensive and try to shift all the blame onto the other person. But I've found that when you're willing to own up to your part in it, even if it's just a small piece, it can actually make a big difference.
It shows a level of maturity and self-awareness that can really help diffuse the tension. I mean, when you say something like "You know, you're right. I played a role in this too and I'm sorry about that," it opens the door for the other person to also reflect on their own contribution. Then you can start working together to find an actual solution, instead of just getting stuck in this back-and-forth blame game,
Use 'I' Messages
The way we frame things can make a huge difference when we're in the middle of a conflict. It's so easy to just point the finger and say things like "You really messed up here." But that's just gonna put the other person on the defensive.
A much better approach is to make it about your own perspective and feelings. Something like, "I feel really frustrated when this happens" or "I'm struggling to understand where you're coming from on this." That way, you're not attacking them directly, you're just trying to help them see it from your side.
Stop trying to win
When you're caught up in the middle of a conflict, the last thing you should be worrying about is how to "win" the fight. That's just going to put you and the other person even more at odds.
The real goal should be finding a solution that makes both of you feel heard and understood. Because at the end of the day, we're all just human - we've all got our own perspectives, experiences, and emotions that are shaping how we see things. And when we're in the heat of the moment, it can be so easy to get stuck in our own point of view and forget to really listen to the other person.
Get some time off
I totally get the struggle of dealing with arguments - it's the worst. When things start to heat up, that natural instinct to just get away from it all can be so strong.
But just bailing without any explanation can end up frustrating your partner even more. I mean, they're already worked up, and then you just disappear? That's gotta be super confusing and upsetting.
I get the urge to want to solve the problem right then and there, in the moment. But sometimes it's actually okay, even necessary, to take a little time out if you're starting to feel overwhelmed. The key is to let your partner know what's going on, like saying, "Hey, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed here. Would it be alright if I took about 15 minutes to myself to cool down? I still want to work this through with you, I just need a quick break first."
That way, they know you're not checking out completely or abandoning the issue - you're just taking a brief pause to collect yourself. And it shows that you're still invested in finding a resolution, you just need a moment to regroup.
Ask for Help
If you've really tried everything to communicate respectfully and work through the issues with your partner, but they're still struggling to stay civil, it might be time to think about getting some professional help - like couple's counselling or family therapy.
Even if your partner isn't keen on going, you can still get a lot out of attending counselling on your own. A therapist can give you strategies for managing the conflict, setting healthy boundaries, and finding productive ways to work through things, even if your partner isn't there with you.
Tips for making a long-distance relationship work
Long-distance relationships can definitely be tougher than ones where you're in the same place. But there are some things you can do to really make it work:
First of all, make sure you're texting, calling, and video chatting as often as you can. It's so important to stay super connected and responsive to each other, even when you can't be physically together.
And when you do have those conversations, try your best to really be present and engaged. Don't get distracted by other things - treat it just like you would a normal in-person chat. That way your partner feels valued and heard.
Now, I know conflicts can be tricky in long-distance. Texting isn't always the best solution because you can't respond right away. For bigger discussions, try to do phone or video calls instead. That way you can work through things in the moment.
But whatever you do, don't just ignore your partner when you're upset. That's going to hurt them a lot. Instead, schedule a time to pick up the discussion, even if you need a break first. You want to make sure you're still accessible to each other.
And when you do get the chance to visit in person, make the most of it! Plan some really special activities and quality time together. That physical connection is so important to nurture that emotional intimacy.
Final words:
When facing a conflict, try not to focus on winning. Instead, listen closely and work together to find a solution. This approach may not work in every situation, but simple gestures like holding hands or maintaining physical contact can sometimes help. Even if you disagree with the other person's actions, it's important to remain respectful. Ultimately, try to embrace the experience and use it as an opportunity to learn.