What screams I'm in a healthy relationship?
I saw so many unhealthy relationships - abusive partners, failed romances. After my last one ended, I had no interest in dating, but people keep saying I'll find true happiness.
A middle-aged bald man was shoving his wife as they screamed at each other. The neighbour heard the commotion and rushed over, pleading "Oh my god, you two, please stop this!" The wife looked at the kid and said "Let's get out of here," then quickly packed some clothes and left the house that night. The child was terrified, unable to believe what was happening. They ended up staying at the wife's sister's place that night.
That experience was my own. For me, love has always been filled with yelling and control. I don't want that kind of relationship, but I'm honestly not sure what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. I just keep ending up with people who remind me of my parents - the rage, the hiding, the constant crying. It's all I've really known.
The other day, I was reminded of an article I had read about a girl who got beaten up by her husband. She went live on social media, and her mouth was covered in blood that was dripping down onto her child's head. My immediate reaction was 'Omg, she needs to get out of there!' But then I started reflecting on my own past experiences.
In my first relationship, my ex-boyfriend was incredibly abusive. He would text other girls, and when I messaged one of them asking her to stop, he got furious and forced me to apologise. There were also times when he slapped me in public because I wanted to end the relationship.
It's just funny how we're often able to spot the warning signs in other people's relationships, but we completely miss them on our own. It's like we have blinkers on when it comes to our own situations.
I was actually feeling a whole range of emotions when I reflected on my past relationship. I kept asking myself - why did I stay for so long? How come I didn't see the warning signs earlier? I found myself blaming and berating myself as if I should have had the power to control the situation until I learned about the 'boiling frog' phenomenon in psychology.
You know, if you tried to put a frog straight into boiling water, it would jump out right away. But if you put the frog in cold water and slowly heated it up, the frog wouldn't try to escape even as the water got warmer and warmer. It has no real sense of the mounting danger.
I think that's what happened in my relationship. If my ex had been slapping me on the first date, of course, I never would have wanted to see him again. I might have even told my friends about it. I wouldn't have thought it was my fault. But the behaviour just crept up, and if you stay for too long, they'll gaslight you about how good they are to you.
And before you know it, you're thinking it's your fault, that you deserve it. You lose your sense of self, your confidence is gone. You don't know how to escape the push-pull situation. You're that frog that doesn't realise it's being killed.
That's why we often don't see the signs immediately. That's why my friend told me to leave, but I chose to stay. It's like how we hardly notice when we put on weight if someone sees us every day, but a friend who hasn't seen us in a while will point it out right away.
So I've been learning about the signs of a healthy relationship, and I figured I'd share a few of the key ones with you.
1. Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies
Looking back, I remember the experience with the boy I dated or had a crush on. They would give me these butterflies in my stomach until I realised that "butterfly feeling" is mainly triggered by a release of norepinephrine. Which is also released when I'm feeling stressed, anxious or afraid - exactly the kinds of emotions those boys would stir up in me.
The "good boy" I used to think was a bit boring because he didn't give me that intense, fluttery feeling actually had a lot of great qualities. He was caring and loving, and didn't make my emotions run like a rollercoaster.
So I stopped chasing that butterfly feeling. It doesn't mean I want someone who doesn't excite me at all. But they need to make me feel comfortable being myself, care about my feelings and interests, and let me feel calm and accepted. That's so much better than constantly dealing with anxiety and nervousness.
That said, you can't just take your partner for granted, even in a stable, comfortable relationship. When I look at stories that made me smile and feel adored, they often still make the effort to spend quality time together and surprise each other with little gifts. Maintaining those gestures that fit their "love language" is key to keeping the relationship alive and thriving.
2. Establish healthy communication
Healthy communication requires a lot of effort and it's not easy to master.
"There is only one rule for being a good talker – learn to listen." — Christopher Morley.
Looking at how my parents communicate, my mum tends to be quite aggressive, while my dad is more on the passive side. I've been wondering what the key is to having healthy communication, and I think I'm starting to understand it better now. They don't really listen to each other or take the time to regulate their emotions - they just seem to react impulsively.
Example of unhealthy communication
Criticism: "You are so useless."
Defensive: "I work all day but still have to do a lot of things when I'm home."
Contempt: "Could you be any more pathetic? You just sit there and play games."
Stonewalling: "Okay, I'm out."
Some scenarios could be fixed if both of them were actively listening:
Gentle start-up: "I feel a bit tired. Could you please come help me?"
Taking responsibility: "I'm sorry that I've been neglecting things. What do you need me to do?"
Respect: "Yeah, I understand you've been working all day, but if we both do it, I'd feel less stressed and we could spend more time together."
And a final tip is self-soothing in a heated argument: "Darling, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I feel a bit overwhelmed. Could you give me 20 minutes and then we can talk?"
The key thing is to remember to really listen to each other, and take a moment to understand your emotions before you act on them, especially when you're feeling any kind of negative emotions.
3. What do you consider cheating?
Yeah, the whole cheating thing is pretty complicated, isn't it? It's not just about the physical act itself, but all the broken trust and crossed boundaries that come with it. I still vividly remember how awful it felt when I was cheated on in the past.
The definition of cheating can be pretty broad - it's not just about physical intimacy, but things like liking explicit photos online or even going to a strip club. That's why it's so important to have an open discussion with your partner upfront about what you each consider to be off-limits. Get on the same page so there's no room for misunderstanding later on.
A lot of the time, people cheat because there's something missing in their relationship that they're trying to fill. But no matter the reason, being cheated on is just the worst. You can't completely prevent it from happening, but being with someone who has strong morals and is really emotionally available can definitely help reduce the risks
4. Talk about the future
I really think it's so important to have those upfront discussions about what you each want and need in a relationship. Figuring out compatibility early on can save you a lot of heartache down the line.
I used to make the mistake of investing way too much, too soon, with people who weren't on the same page as me. Now I know - if they're not willing to have that serious conversation about exclusivity and not dating around, then I shouldn't waste my time either. They need to be the ones to initiate that talk and then actually follow through on it, you know?
For me, in a real committed relationship, it's all about things like discussing our families, our interests, really getting to know each other in-depth. If it ever feels too vague or uncertain, I think it's best to just cut your losses and move on. Don't delude yourself into thinking you can change someone who's clearly not available or interested. You shouldn't have to play guessing games - it needs to be crystal clear where you both stand.
5. Have the difficult conversations
I made that mistake in the past. I was too scared they'd leave me, so I ended up hiding my true emotions. I was worried it would just cause a big drama. But it doesn't have to be like that at all. You can just rip the bandaid off, have the chat calmly and openly when you're both in a good headspace.
If you keep bottling things up and they never make any effort to change, you're just going to end up suffering for it in the long run. It's hard, but being open and honest, even about the uncomfortable stuff, is the only way you'll know if you're truly on the same wavelength and if the relationship has a real chance of working out.
Conclusion
Look, it takes two to tango, but I've had to learn that the hard way so you don't have to. If you want to transform your dating life and build a healthy relationship, here are some tips to keep in mind:
Don't get caught up chasing the butterflies. Focus on finding someone compatible rather than just getting caught up in the initial excitement.
Work on developing healthy communication habits.
Talk openly about what behaviours would constitute cheating for you - everyone has different boundaries.
Talk about the future together. Discuss your hopes, dreams and expectations for the relationship.
Have those difficult conversations. It's not easy, but addressing any issues or concerns head-on can save a lot of heartache down the line.
If you make an effort in these areas, I really believe you'll be able to attract the right person into your life. Love doesn't have to be this scary, complicated thing. With the right mindset and approach, it can be truly wonderful.