Why Pacing Your Dating Life is the Secret to Finding Real Love (Part 2 of 3)

How pacing can help you find a love that lasts.

If your relationships feel like they’re either speeding down the motorway at 100 miles an hour or stuck in a traffic jam that never ends, trust me, you’re not alone.

In my last post, I touched on the delicate art of pacing in dating—figuring out how fast (or slow) you move through the stages of a relationship without losing yourself in the process.

Today, I’m diving deeper. Let’s talk about how to actually pace new relationships so you’re not just surviving the chaos, but setting yourself up for something meaningful and long-lasting.

Why Pausing is a Superpower

When you’re always on in dating—swiping, texting, overthinking—it’s easy to lose touch with what’s happening inside you. This is where the magic of pausing comes in. Taking intentional breaks gives you the space to check in with yourself and recalibrate.

Here’s how you can do it:

• Journaling: After each date, write down what felt good, what didn’t, and any red (or green) flags.

• Meditation: Take 5–10 minutes a day to sit in silence and let your thoughts settle.

• Talking it Out: Find your go-to friend or therapist and unpack your experiences—having someone outside the situation often brings clarity.

These pauses aren’t about overanalysing—they’re about feeling your way through the relationship. They’ll help you get real with yourself about:

• What you actually want (versus what you think you should want).

• Old habits or patterns that might be running the show without your permission.

• The emotional baggage that’s bubbling up and begging for healing.

• Whether the relationship’s pace feels natural or forced.

My Story: From Fast-Love Disasters to Intentional Connections

I used to fall hard and fast. One smile, a little attention, and I was all in—already imagining wedding hashtags after date two. Why? Because of growing up in a chaotic home, love felt scarce. My dad’s battle with alcoholism and my mum’s aggressive temper meant I craved the warmth and stability I never had.

I didn’t know how to pace myself back then. I thought the intensity was love, and the faster I moved, the safer I’d feel. Spoiler: It didn’t work.

It wasn’t until I started pausing and getting curious about why I was rushing that things shifted. I realised I was chasing love to fill old voids, rather than creating space to build something real.

I started journaling after every date. What went well? What felt off? This became my personal cheat sheet for patterns I might have missed otherwise.

Then, I wrote a list of what I truly value in a long-term partner.

Here’s the thing: tuning into my thoughts and feelings wasn’t always comfortable. Sometimes my inner voice whispered truths I didn’t want to hear: “I like him, but the way he talks to me feels dismissive. He’s inconsistent, and I haven’t heard from him since our last date.” Ouch. But those quiet moments of honesty became my guide.

Because I paused, reflected, and kept my standards clear, I eventually found someone who was emotionally available.

Know Your Pacing Style

Pacing is where many of us stumble. Maybe you fall too hard, too fast. You dive in before you’ve had the chance to figure out if this person is even good for you. Or maybe you’re on the opposite end—taking it so slow that no real connection has the chance to grow.

For trauma survivors or those with a disorganised attachment style (like me), pacing can feel like walking a tightrope. One minute, you’re all in; the next, you’re pulling away. The key? Learning where you land on the pacing spectrum and committing to show up consistently.

Ask Yourself These Hard Questions

• Do you jump headfirst into relationships before you really know the person?

• Do you move so slowly that potential partners lose interest?

• Are you consistent, or do your emotions swing wildly, leaving people confused?

Maybe you already know the answers. Maybe you’ve heard feedback like, “You’re moving way too fast,” or “Why haven’t you called her yet if you’re into her?”

If you’re unsure, talk to someone who knows you well—a friend, a family member, or even a therapist. Sometimes an outsider’s perspective reveals patterns you can’t see on your own.

Commit to Mindful Pacing

After some deep self-assessment, it’s time to make a commitment. Write it down, say it out loud, or share it with someone you trust.

Here’s an example of what that might look like:

“I commit to slowing down and being present in the uncertainty of dating. I will listen to the small, wise voice within and honour it. I’m willing to take the risk of spending more time with people I’m interested in. I’ll share more of my inner world, including my feelings and affection, instead of holding back. I accept the challenge of adopting a steady pace—getting to know someone consistently, even when my nerves tell me to rush or retreat.”

The magic happens when you pace yourself mindfully. You’ll build relationships that aren’t just exciting in the moment but sustainable in the long run. Because at the end of the day, dating isn’t about speed—it’s about alignment.

The Art of Timing Relationship Milestones

Pacing is about timing milestones
We all have these milestones that deepen intimacy: the first kiss, meeting friends, talking about future dreams, or going on a weekend trip. Each one has the power to take your bond to the next level—but only if you’re ready for it.

Here’s a cheat sheet of common relationship milestones to reflect on:

• First kiss.

• Sex.

• Meeting their friends.

• Becoming exclusive.

• Talking about marriage or kids.

• Sharing important parts of your life—cooking a meal, going to church, or playing music together.

• Travelling together.

• Meeting their family.

• Moving in.

Each milestone can either deepen your bond or derail it. The difference lies in timing.

Here’s how to pace milestones like a pro:

1. Understand the bonding effect.
   Take each milestone and ask yourself, “On a scale of 0-10, how much does this deepen my connection?” For some, meeting the parents might be a big deal. For others, it’s just dinner. Knowing what bonds you helps you stay grounded in your pace.

2. Set your own timeline.
   Decide when you’re ready for each step. For example:

   • Wait until at least the second date to kiss.

   • Discuss exclusivity after a month of consistent dating.

   • Move in together only when engaged.

   • Reply to their texts within 24 hours, even if anxiety makes you want to ghost.

These aren’t rules—they’re boundaries that protect your heart while allowing love to grow.

3. Check in with yourself.
   Before crossing a new milestone, pause. Sit with yourself. Ask, “Is my heart ready for this?” Tune into your body. Does the idea of meeting their family feel expansive or anxiety-inducing? Your nervous system is smarter than you think. Listen to it.

Pacing Your Love Life Without Losing Yourself

Dating isn’t about following a strict rulebook. It’s about finding the balance between your head and your heart. You can’t build a meaningful connection by overthinking it, nor can you by diving in without clarity. Instead, the sweet spot is mindfulness—showing up authentically in each moment and pacing your relationships so they feel right for you.

Take me, for example. I couldn’t imagine inviting someone into my home early on—it feels too sacred, too personal. But I’ve got a friend who does the exact opposite. Second date? He’s already inviting them over for a movie night. For him, a comfortable, private setting allows his walls to come down. For me, that kind of intimacy is a “later” thing. Different strokes, right?

So, how do you pace yourself without losing your head—or your heart?

Here’s a thought: grab your journal and reflect on these questions the next time you’re navigating a new relationship.

1. How much space do I need to reconnect with myself?
   Time away from someone isn’t a bad thing. It helps you think clearly and ask yourself the tough questions: Are they really a good fit for me?

2. What’s the right balance of contact for me?
   Think about frequency, intensity, and duration. The goal is to feel challenged enough to grow, but not overwhelmed.

3. Am I learning what I need to know about this person?
   Before you open your heart, ask yourself: Do I understand their values? Do I trust their character? A little caution now can save a lot of heartache later.

4. What will it take for me to feel ready to move forward?
   A relationship only works if you feel safe and comfortable taking the next step. What do you need to see, hear, or experience before you get there?

At the start of a relationship, you might need a week to recover between dates and figure things out. As the bond grows stronger, that recovery time might shrink to a day—or even hours.

Dating isn’t about rushing or dragging your feet. It’s about knowing yourself and moving at a pace that honours your boundaries, while still giving love a chance to grow.

Trust your gut. Take your time. And remember, it’s not about “keeping up.” It’s about showing up.